there's something about the exhileration of being messy. i see it in a movie and it makes me feel like i would want to be there; not because it's all cool on a movie screen, but because i know what it feels like to live carelessly, messily. i'm sure i don't know that feeling entirely, because i've only been messy to my standards.
the difference is, now i know what that feels like a little later. i also know that i'm in love with a God who has treated me better than i ever imagined anyone could treat such a messed up person. He treasures me, even when i mess up. He always wants me back. "how could i treat this dear One so ill, when He is ever so nigh?" And how could i treat myself carelessly, when i am His vessel? i'm His. my body and my actions are His.
also, how can hospis ask you to call in a timely manner right after your grandma dies?
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seems like everyone's an addict these days
guess i can add myself to the list
there's so much i'm fighting right now
or am i fighting?
let's rearrange.
to fight and win-
you put your whole self into the struggle.
when you do that,
is it really a struggle anymore?
or does your opponent just
give up??
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"i'm sure i don't know that feeling entirely, because i've only been messy to my standards."
Mmm...it's always a humbling thought to be reminded that our lens through which we view life is a fraction of the whole picture.
Also, I've noticed that for some reason hospices, like a fair percentage of funeral homes, can be awfully stilted toward their customers. But then again, it's not their grandma. There is a cap on human empathy, unfortunately. :/
One final thought, concerning yours: There is a fear that exists that says if that if we fight an addiction with everything we have, then our deepest, most disturbing junk will be exposed. AND we'll be inadequate. What will people think? Will I still be accepted? Loved? VALUED?
What is utterly disturbing to the core is that...well...this fear is true.
In our deepest, most personal inadequacies and exposure, those places where we are entirely uncomfortable and want to scramble toward an escape is EXACTLY where the Lord moves the most in us. There's beauty in struggle, because the Lord ordains and pursues us with the most noticeable vigor in those times when we feel utterly alone.
All that to say: to focus on the half-truth of despair is to deny the whole truth of hope.
Anyway, I've sent you an email with an attached file that continues to encourages me tremendously in my own struggles.
I miss you, and love you. Don't you ever forget it!
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