.looking back.

.
Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

i haven't posted just a photo in a while. this struck me.

i just want to be alone

so i can never hurt anyone.

Laughter

On days like this it's hard to realize I don't have all the time in the world. It practically monsooned today- I have never seen it rain that hard. Of course I had no hood or umbrella! haha. But I loved it and laughed at myself and all the other people struggling against the rain as it jarred us rather that its usual soft taps to let us know it's there.  

I was carrying a book bag so heavy it leaves red marks on my shoulder for at least a few hours and carrying a $100 book half under my leather jacket when a guy walking in my direction simply got close enough to me that I could share his umbrella and asked where I was going. His name was John. I wish he'd be my boyfriend. 

haha. just kidding. kind of. 

When I stopped being able to see despite the help of the umbrella, I decided to head back to my room and take a shower.  

When it comes right down to it and you are faced with something so strong and powerful like the ocean, like this storm, that could easily put you in danger of death, your previous commitments become unimportant. You wonder why they ever seemed to matter in the first place when compared to this huge world, this endless universe, this powerful God.  

I watched all the people struggle through the rain today, all of us thinking we had somewhere so important to go. It's at times like that when I let myself laugh at the sillyness of it all. That's when I feel completely safe, when I am entirely at the mercy of God. Because I know that I no longer have control, and I realize how little some things matter.  

Thank God for the monsoons.

random.

a file of recent thoughts on my desktop. enjoy

she's number 1 on everyone's list

"who to kill" or "who to kiss"

she's got a mask that looks like glass

she'll make her cry and make you laugh 

she seems so sincere and perfect

every man wants her, she's so worth it

so worth all the time that you're not worth

though you're doing your best to keep up with her

she's got nothin' on you babe

with your weird little quirks

she knows she's not that girl

and that's why she smirks

she's afraid that one day the boys will discover

the place in her heart is just for a lover

she's smart, it's true, but immature

she's close to you, but she's still unsure

sweetheart, it's okay, your a person too

don't let us discourage you

if yourself is who you want to be

then be that girl, for you and me

if she's not quite there yet,

you've got time i'd bet

just keep on learning and slowly you'll see

that being perfect is about being quirky.

-----------------------------------------------------------

you say you feel so comfortable around me

well, everyone feels that way apparently

----------------------------------------------------------

no one is truly superficial

but some pretend to be

everyone's a person

no matter what you see

and we sell out our beliefs

to be who we want them to see

but if you'd open up your eyes

you'd see you are who they want you to be

everyone wants to meet someone else

just as imperfect as they are

everyone wants someone to be honest

so it's not so much of a risk

unless they are running from themselves

because they are too ugly on the inside

they don't want to see it

--------------------------------------------------------

i can't look into your eyes like that

you won't look back.

Southern Bell (not for weak stomachs)

Southern Bell-Day
Originally uploaded by southern_crafts

a nameless woman in the South
walks in high heels and white gown
at home alone with her little boy
perfectly affectionate, playing with a toy
no questions, little to say
he kisses her goodnight every day

Daddy's taught the boy and Momma
to be just what they oughta
Daddy made his perfect family
with the boy he used to be

Creativity is normal, but she'll have to watch her step
Cuz Daddy doesn't like when Mom's ideas begin to hurt his rep

He's a stranger to Momma
though he knows her awful well
He doesn't understand the trauma
she wasn't made to be a "belle"

She looks around at the perfect life he made
He comes and uses all the kisses that he saved
but they were meant for the girl who saves more face
those kisses belong to her, with the grace

The little boy comes to show Momma his new train set
Daddy follows to show what good things money can get
Momma lays on the floor, sewing needle in one hand
the other one is drenched in blood
the boy says "Momma, are you dead?"

Can't someone please explain the "perfect life?"
It drives us mad, seeing that truth does not suffice
Don't close your eyes to the problems of the world
Stay strong, don't let yourself become unfurled

A mother is much more than a mother
as a friend is more than just a friend
people should always know they are people
and show the truth, though it may offend

without self-expression we are all dead
pretending perfection pushes our minds into red



(inspired by "A Sorrowful Woman," a short story by Gail Godwin)

Baby

Bear the Scars
Originally uploaded by steveleggat

he calls me his baby
a chill-
of fear or delight?
he holds me strong in his arms
i let myself fold into them
my mind fights them off
"run! run!"
"but i am just so cozy here..."

i awake
what?
where?
why?
- and that is the one that matters -
why

i spilled my heart in this letter to you

I miss you. I hope you are doing well, spiritually, mentally, and physically. They all work together in a way anyhow, I think. Never mind. I guess our spiritual and physical well-beings often combat each other. In fact, in times of physical weakness we are often forced into spiritual growth. And maybe that is something of my problem. 

I think I need to fast from kissing, holding hands, having any sort of romantic relationship. They are just so easy and fun to create if you know the formula, and the formula comes so naturally to me. I honestly care about so many- too much not to express it, so much that I express too much. I want him to know that he is special, or I want to know that I am not too broken for someone. I am addicted to expression, I think. It forces a type of growth, and yet can show a childish lack of self-control. Not an ill-willed purposeful wrong-doing, but a naivety. 

Sometimes I long to be as naive as I act. I long not to know pain, to not realize how foolish it is to give my heart to someone who will hurt me, someone who I will inevitably hurt. I cannot keep on acting so naive, though, for I know heartbreak better than most. My heart has been broken by others and ripped with every heart I myself have broken. 

I refuse to do this ever again. I will not hurt a child of God beyond repair. Of course God can repair that which is "beyond repair," and is in the process of repairing me again. But how do I show someone the truth of Christ without showing them the truest, most passionate love I know? For Christ's love is so much more. But that love is a love that protects and never pretends.

Never.

Pretends.

Protects at all costs. 

Pushes growth.

Unselfish.

Can I do this?