Realizing i have to help people

i sit on my bed, on Haloween. i want nothing but to remember how to be happy. i've been sitting forever, it seems, miserable for the first time in years. Why am i miserable? All i want is to have a meaningful conversation with someone. i yearn for it. Sometimes i think it is my mind crying out. Sometimes i think i need serious psychiatric help. What can i do? Would studying make me feel more useful, more worth my own while? Should i lay here and cry? Should i try to call him, though he will probably just run from me? i miss him so. i was helping him. i was loving him. i was making him happy. All i want to do is to help someone to Christ, but i seem to have lost my touch. i seem to have lost my enthusiasm a bit, lost sight of my hope. i need to help someone. i desperately need to share the Truth, for the Truth alone is not anything like the Truth with company. i've become so wrapped up in thinking that people won't listen, they don't want to hear, they don't care, that i nearly refuse to tell. i just hope that someone asks, that an opportunity strikes me in the face. 

"All you need is love..."

Can i share with You?

you know.

What would make me feel best will make me feel worst. I cannot lie in bed alone and listen to my favourite blues record, because I've listened with you. It will only make me cry. Maybe that's what I need though. I just want to lie inside the sound and become a part of it without having to remember you being a part of it too. I want you to be a part of it, but you refuse. You have someone else to attend to now. She will not tolerate you being a part of my life, my world, my music. She will not tolerate me loving you like I do, like I can't help doing. You are the worst choice and the best. You will not answer me. All I want is to know that you have listened; to know that you know. 

an elastic melody

Melodies should be elastic. They adjust to you easily and fit tightly around you. They grow with you and shrink with you. They show the truth.

Also, I was told a couple of interesting things last night:
"You seem like a Fall kind of girl." -producer and friend, Steven
"You have a beautiful energy."- haha... random hippie guy. he was interesting.

a challenge

is a necessity for people like me. I wonder if most people are like that. Without a challenge, we will not succeed. Not because we need to feel better than someone else, but because we need someone to show us new ways to accomplish our goals.

a song with a stranger

I stepped into his bitingly cold garage with the grimace of an acquaintance alone with another acquaintance, both of us a bit unsure what to do with ourselves. We slid into the living room with ease and began to talk. We didn’t stop. We had dinner, and talked more. After several hours we decided to get down to business and play our music. We did little of that, and had trouble focusing. My melodies were elastic, and his guitar playing was structured. To me it was all about boys, and I have no idea what it was about to him. The song, that is. That’s the problem. I need to learn to ask more, rather than expect to be told. 

changing

Everything, every person, every second we are changing. Our core, though, seldom changes. It takes so little to change our actions , but slowly those actions can change our core. What is your core? What does your life revolve around? If you do not have confidence, you cannot help others. Work on yourself by not being self-centered. So many people think being self-centered is good. It's the only way to get ahead. I disagree. It is a good way to get unhappy, though. The more you focus on yourself, the more you realize some things. You realize that you have a lot of "problems." You realize that your life will never be perfect. You realize how much other people don't care about you. Well get out of your lazy boy and start caring about them. You'll find out a whole lot more about yourself and how to make yourself better that way, I think. 

past and present

Tonight I decided to read some old notebooks...
Don't jump to conclusions, by the way. These are from a place where I wasn't planning on showing them to anyone, so it may sound like incriminating evidence, but it's probably not. Also, I'm not really looking for writing critiques. I just want to know if it makes you think, and if so, what it makes you think. I don't consider myself a good writer. I just try to tell the truth, and hope maybe it will do something good.

I ran across a journal entry from Nov. of 2007 tonight. It was reflecting on/answering the question "If love were easy, would life be too simple?" It brought these thoughts:

When someone wants to trust something or someone completely, the intelligent thing to do is to test it. We all learn this by trusting too easily and then being disappointed. An intelligent seeker of truth must also be a genuine skeptic. To find a reliable truth, you must question.

This also applies to love. Love IS simple. We make it complicated. We have to test it. Is it the real kind? What is the real kind? We do not just accept that someone loves us. When someone says "I love you" we (in our minds, if not out loud) think "no you don't" or "do you really?" We ask ourselves a series of questions that we think test if that person truly loves us, or we somehow test him or her. I never understood that. How can you test a person? People change every second. Everything affects us.

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Written around 9/24/07

Why all this useless energy
Spent pursuing these things that won’t bring true happiness?
No, I want to be inspired
I want to sit quietly
Silence inspires truth
Silence is truth
It lets you hear the truth
It lets you step back and look at it
It lets you feel each movement with such precision
I just want to lie near you
Alone, no one to impress
Feel the tenderness in every touch
Feel the hot air
Almost suffocating
Out of your mouth, into mine
Pure in mind
No thought of infidelity
But simple silence
Out of reverence for love
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Here's something else I found, written 4/20/08

I wonder what you think of me, sometimes.
I shouldn’t want you, but I do, sometimes.
I just want someone
Close to me
To hold me
And to miss me
Someone who understands me a little bit more than he does
You, you, the way you make me feel
You, you, how special you make me want to be
But I’m not sure if you’re just desperate
Or if you really do like me
Should I say something
Or should I just leave it be
Please, just rub my back again
While I’m going to sleep
I know I shrugged it off
I just wasn’t used to it yet.
Do you really like me

you don’t know what love is, do you?
See, there is the problem.
You are not hesitant
For you do not know how love can kill
Ah, but this is good
Innocence like a child
That’s what we all need
I don’t want to break that for you
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and 4/30/08

She counts herself so lucky
That she really can’t resist
All the many boys that want her
Most of them are attractive

Other girls don’t get that
She thinks
It will go away soon
So why should I not take advantage of it
Before I reach my doom

She thinks that she’ll regret it
If she says no to a kiss
But maybe just the opposite is true
She thinks that she’ll miss her chance
To be loved through and through
But it’s not time to be loved like that just yet.
No one can love her like that just yet.
The problem is that someone has before
She longs for that
She thinks that love is more
Than anything she could ever want
It’s true
But she’s looking for it in all the wrong places
She’s looking straight at you.