past and present

Tonight I decided to read some old notebooks...
Don't jump to conclusions, by the way. These are from a place where I wasn't planning on showing them to anyone, so it may sound like incriminating evidence, but it's probably not. Also, I'm not really looking for writing critiques. I just want to know if it makes you think, and if so, what it makes you think. I don't consider myself a good writer. I just try to tell the truth, and hope maybe it will do something good.

I ran across a journal entry from Nov. of 2007 tonight. It was reflecting on/answering the question "If love were easy, would life be too simple?" It brought these thoughts:

When someone wants to trust something or someone completely, the intelligent thing to do is to test it. We all learn this by trusting too easily and then being disappointed. An intelligent seeker of truth must also be a genuine skeptic. To find a reliable truth, you must question.

This also applies to love. Love IS simple. We make it complicated. We have to test it. Is it the real kind? What is the real kind? We do not just accept that someone loves us. When someone says "I love you" we (in our minds, if not out loud) think "no you don't" or "do you really?" We ask ourselves a series of questions that we think test if that person truly loves us, or we somehow test him or her. I never understood that. How can you test a person? People change every second. Everything affects us.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written around 9/24/07

Why all this useless energy
Spent pursuing these things that won’t bring true happiness?
No, I want to be inspired
I want to sit quietly
Silence inspires truth
Silence is truth
It lets you hear the truth
It lets you step back and look at it
It lets you feel each movement with such precision
I just want to lie near you
Alone, no one to impress
Feel the tenderness in every touch
Feel the hot air
Almost suffocating
Out of your mouth, into mine
Pure in mind
No thought of infidelity
But simple silence
Out of reverence for love
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's something else I found, written 4/20/08

I wonder what you think of me, sometimes.
I shouldn’t want you, but I do, sometimes.
I just want someone
Close to me
To hold me
And to miss me
Someone who understands me a little bit more than he does
You, you, the way you make me feel
You, you, how special you make me want to be
But I’m not sure if you’re just desperate
Or if you really do like me
Should I say something
Or should I just leave it be
Please, just rub my back again
While I’m going to sleep
I know I shrugged it off
I just wasn’t used to it yet.
Do you really like me

you don’t know what love is, do you?
See, there is the problem.
You are not hesitant
For you do not know how love can kill
Ah, but this is good
Innocence like a child
That’s what we all need
I don’t want to break that for you
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and 4/30/08

She counts herself so lucky
That she really can’t resist
All the many boys that want her
Most of them are attractive

Other girls don’t get that
She thinks
It will go away soon
So why should I not take advantage of it
Before I reach my doom

She thinks that she’ll regret it
If she says no to a kiss
But maybe just the opposite is true
She thinks that she’ll miss her chance
To be loved through and through
But it’s not time to be loved like that just yet.
No one can love her like that just yet.
The problem is that someone has before
She longs for that
She thinks that love is more
Than anything she could ever want
It’s true
But she’s looking for it in all the wrong places
She’s looking straight at you.