i'm thinkin' of how my life's so awesome

but then i remember you aren't in it
i have so many wells to drink from
but you're the one i can't forget

--------------------------------------------------

i realize you're ignoring me, 

darling, not my darling...

but i can't get over what you said when you were free

baby, her baby

before she had you 

you loved me and only me

but within just a few weeks

i became nothing

i became someone you never want to see

is it my fault?

'cuz i can't see any other way this could be fair

please, can i have some closure 

i never really knew what that meant 

until now

i thought that people were silly

for wanting one last goodbye

but now i get why

'cause you left me without warning

i thought we could still be friends, but darling 

you won't

so i just keep on trying 

every once in a while

i try to make you smile

even though you don't want it to be 'cause of me...

you want to smile again at her

'cause she's perfect for you, dear

i'm the worst voice you could hear

though it's sweet and it draws your ear

you can't listen 

i know it'd never last forever

but i want it to 

'cause i miss you more than i've missed anyone

since i was 14...

the first time i thought i was in love

and no one could convince me otherwise

i'm still pretty sure it was true...

but now i feel it again 

that longing for that friend

the boy who kept my life joyful

the memory of you...

decisions, decisions...

well all could be right but each could be wrong

when there's no wrong decision

but they all have troubles of their own

there's nothin you can do but just go along for the ride

there's nothin you can do but just pray and hope that Christ's

example will tell you 

something to do

and your heart will

kinda help you

hope that the decision you make is

somethin worth makin

you hope that the decision you make will

make somethin else outa you but

won't hurt your heart but will change you

for the better

but it's nearly impossible

that's nearly impossible

yeah that's nearly, nearly, nearly impossible...

when all could be right 

but each could be wrong

when there's no wrong decision

but they all have troubles of their own 

ya gotta just sit back and enjoy the ride

ya gotta just sit back and let yourself unwind

cuz it's not the end of the world if you don't make it, hunny

it's not the end of the world if you are left alone for some time

it's not the end of your life

probly not...

oh girl ya gotta make it

girl ya gotta take it home with you...

oh girl ya gotta make it 

ya gotta learn to take it 

and show em what you can do

rush, rush

to become what you want to be

rush, rush

to see who you need to see

to grow 

to achieve

to gain love

rush, rush

or your life may be emptied of all of this

and then

what is it worth?

a pushy mom can make you famous

you got a cute little smile
and a fake little grin
and a love for music
cuz you know there's somethin in it
but you don't know what it is just yet
and you'll probably never really know
if you keep at it this way

you gotta open up your love
you gotta open up your mind
you have to stop closing up
you have to let yourself unwind
or girl you'll never know love
and you'll never know music
the way God made it to be known

but still people love your every move
eyes watch as you sing a tune
cuz you've got somethin goin on
you're close, so close
but you have to find the truth

without truth,
music is a bunch of sound
without truth,
lyrics are just pretty vowels

the internal battle

What is better? To take/give a chance and risk hurting yourself and/or someone else, or to reject someone and risk a hurt self-esteem and losing an amazing possibility? To me it is almost irresponsible NOT to take a risk, because you are pushing away an opportunity that has been given to you. 

wow.

Amazing opportunities are all of a sudden flocking around me like ducks around a person with bread. They may be a little shy, but they are slowly approaching me, hoping for a little bite of truth. 

PS-

i saw a band play music for real tonight. it was awesome. they took my breath away. seriously. the delta saints.

a poem from last semester

i found my last notebook from last semester. This poem was the first 3 pages. I thought it was interesting. Not extremely organized, but it is me we're talking about here. haha. 

You're so unobtrusive

So perfectly sweet

Never would you do anything

To even slightly hurt me

Your interests are not the main event

What's best for us takes precedent

If only you were what I see

As helpful, spiritually, to me

I need a man who puts God first

Without that, every-thing's a blur

The relationship's direction is not

Going to any certain spot

And if it is, it's the wrong one...

That's it. 

Oh no.

I always say relationships 

Bring you closer to God or further from Him

And here you are, taking me away

I can't deny it, but I so badly want to stay.

Please, God, I want to be with You

But don't make me leave him

I think he needs me, too.

Not to say You need me in any way

But oh God, my LORD,

You know I need You.

I want to show him the love You gave me

The way Your Son died on Calvary

He knows, he knows, 

But he's not convinced

I'm scared, God,

Will he be like him?

Without warning will he up and leave,

Without hesitance, and with transparent speed?

I'm falling, falling, falling again

I have to stop this vicious cycle

He's falling, falling

For "just a friend"

This might not work for a while

God, please help me to see

If I am really doing wrong.

I just want to love him

Cuz I know how it feels

To have had love

And want it back so bad

But not want the same one at all

He deserves someone who knows Christ's love

It seems almost natural to him, 

Maybe?

How can I resist?

Should I?

What would God want?

I love Him most.