i spilled my heart in this letter to you

I miss you. I hope you are doing well, spiritually, mentally, and physically. They all work together in a way anyhow, I think. Never mind. I guess our spiritual and physical well-beings often combat each other. In fact, in times of physical weakness we are often forced into spiritual growth. And maybe that is something of my problem. 

I think I need to fast from kissing, holding hands, having any sort of romantic relationship. They are just so easy and fun to create if you know the formula, and the formula comes so naturally to me. I honestly care about so many- too much not to express it, so much that I express too much. I want him to know that he is special, or I want to know that I am not too broken for someone. I am addicted to expression, I think. It forces a type of growth, and yet can show a childish lack of self-control. Not an ill-willed purposeful wrong-doing, but a naivety. 

Sometimes I long to be as naive as I act. I long not to know pain, to not realize how foolish it is to give my heart to someone who will hurt me, someone who I will inevitably hurt. I cannot keep on acting so naive, though, for I know heartbreak better than most. My heart has been broken by others and ripped with every heart I myself have broken. 

I refuse to do this ever again. I will not hurt a child of God beyond repair. Of course God can repair that which is "beyond repair," and is in the process of repairing me again. But how do I show someone the truth of Christ without showing them the truest, most passionate love I know? For Christ's love is so much more. But that love is a love that protects and never pretends.

Never.

Pretends.

Protects at all costs. 

Pushes growth.

Unselfish.

Can I do this?