maybe it will be different this once

be different
Originally uploaded by crowfoot

i have this hope for you
this hope that you will bring me out of this place
it is a selfish hope
when i hope that you will make me unselfish

i hope that i will love you with all i have
and never look at another
i have this childish hope
this optimistic hope
that you are the only one worth having
that i will fall for you the way i used to fall
quickly, easily,
no resistance
quickly, easily,
like a child
trusting, hoping, believing
that you will never leave me
and that i will always love you
and that my barriers will forever be gone
with at least
one
person
with just
one
person
with you.

Change

Changing colors!
Originally uploaded by swaheel

it is something I seek, something I long for
For if I am changing, then surely I am growing,
right?
Ah, but growth can go in the wrong direction
It can turn into destruction
And the best kind of growth is steady,
Not too fast or drastic
Yes, that is the lasting kind.
That is the kind that makes you stronger instead of ripping your insides up and trying to glue them back together again and again
Eventually, the glue refuses to stick
And why would it?
It will only be torn apart again.

PS

Sorry about the dramatic post. I feel better now. No worries. haha... I write when I feel sad, and get it all resolved... usually. <3

to be cliche, but honest...

HaiQal
Originally uploaded by wazari

this is a freewrite, as is much of this blog. this one is worse. i'm a mess. i apologize. don't analyze it, please. just listen (read) if you want to.

i feel a hole in my heart already.
i'm happy for you
it's true
i think she will be better for you
but i miss you now
i miss you already
what we were
what we could have maybe been
now it cannot be

it's okay
i've just lost you,
that's all.
you will still be here,
i know,
but it will be so different.
different is not always bad,
but i'm scared
i miss you.

but no longer can i really tell you
no longer will you truly listen
or maybe you will?
i want you to be happy
i just do not want to have to miss the affection i have always seen in your eyes
i've never really known you without that look in your eyes when you see me
and i wonder who you will be
without it.

but thank the Lord that He is always here
and thank Him that i no longer have one more choice to make
because i'm not sure if i could have picked the best one.
i'm not really very good at that.

i know, i am still just a child. it will be alright. let us go on as siblings in Christ. i fear abandonment more than anything else, as a child would. more than that, i fear that all the love will fall from your eyes. all the love for me will be transferred. it will be gone. i hope that it is not the case. i believe that it will not be the case. i forget sometimes that i must trust my Father, like a child would. He will take care of me. i mustn't worry. and thankfully you still care for me, too... how wonderful (:

i just always want to be the best for everyone, to make all of your lives wonderful. but i just almost make the cut...

Today

Nocturne*
Originally uploaded by imapix

^The picture has little to do with the post, I just fell in love with it^

I've been reading "Siddhartha" today and writing a lot. Here are a few excerpts of what I've written today:

We are often self-seeking, but in seeking self we find him/her to be severely lacking; In seeking happiness we find depression in the realization that a self-seeking self is worthless, depraved, stagnant, and irrelevant.

A true kiss. Every part is unique, artful. It is made up of past and future, but is felt completely only in the present. The moment before is a feeling that cannot be encapsulated, cannot be recreated.

Without dependence on another, there is no reason to worry or to hurry. You may go about life doing what you think is best with no one to question you unless you question yourself... Maybe it would seem best to become close to no one at all... 

Obviously I don't agree with this last part. I was rambling on, trying to understand how some people think. I was also trying to understand why it is that a perfectly peaceful man in "Siddhartha" is mentioned as being without a wife. Possibly because he is something like a monk, but it also made me think: to be alone is to have so much less worry. Ah, and Paul speaks of this in a letter of his. 1 Corinthians 7. Interesting stuff.

Frustration

Frustration
Originally uploaded by Rajiv Ashrafi

When you don't care at all
And the LORD catches your fall
But instead of falling into His arms
You push Him away and run in alarm

And you say-
Girl, why you gotta be this way?
Can't you stand up and change?
There's nothing in this world that makes less sense
Than running from the truth,
There's no defense

You're wanting to die
But still, you just want to fly
But you can't figure how to do it
Without steppin' on somebody else's wings

And the worst thing you can be
Is someone else's harlotry
The one who breaks his heart
The one who makes it hard

It scares you and it scars him
But you won't push away his limbs
Cuz you want his heart around you
And your cowardice confounds you

You almost want the pain
For the sake of the gain
You think you'll grow
You just want to know

But it will stunt his growth
And it will make you old
Wise beyond your years
Burdened by so many tears

Please don't leave me alone
In this field, so cold
No one else is here but me and you.
Please help me out of here
Please help me out

Your letters

Cara Lia... Andrea mio...
Originally uploaded by niandra

i found Your letters tonight:
a wake up call to things I've learned and forgotten because they are too painful to remember. i remember the times You speak of, when we thought of little besides being together, sharing life. There's so much i wish i could share with You now. There's so much more we could learn together. i am more and better now. But at the same time i'm so much less. Without You, my most adoring muse, i seem to have so little to say that matters. Or maybe You just aren't there to tell me how much it matters. All i want is to tell You of the new things i've learned, said, done, thought, loved, despised... All i want is to tell You everything, because i trust(ed?) You, but You refuse to listen to a single word. And to be incapable of being understood by something uncontrollable is almost unbearable. Why do i need to feel in control? i know that in reality God is in control. It's so hard to trust when the answer seems so wrong in some way. i know He (God) is trustworthy. i just don't think i will ever totally grasp it until my hope of Heaven is realized. God's letters give me that hope, and that comfort i need. He will love me forever. It will never grow dull or be taken away.