maybe it will be different this once

be different
Originally uploaded by crowfoot

i have this hope for you
this hope that you will bring me out of this place
it is a selfish hope
when i hope that you will make me unselfish

i hope that i will love you with all i have
and never look at another
i have this childish hope
this optimistic hope
that you are the only one worth having
that i will fall for you the way i used to fall
quickly, easily,
no resistance
quickly, easily,
like a child
trusting, hoping, believing
that you will never leave me
and that i will always love you
and that my barriers will forever be gone
with at least
one
person
with just
one
person
with you.

Change

Changing colors!
Originally uploaded by swaheel

it is something I seek, something I long for
For if I am changing, then surely I am growing,
right?
Ah, but growth can go in the wrong direction
It can turn into destruction
And the best kind of growth is steady,
Not too fast or drastic
Yes, that is the lasting kind.
That is the kind that makes you stronger instead of ripping your insides up and trying to glue them back together again and again
Eventually, the glue refuses to stick
And why would it?
It will only be torn apart again.

PS

Sorry about the dramatic post. I feel better now. No worries. haha... I write when I feel sad, and get it all resolved... usually. <3

to be cliche, but honest...

HaiQal
Originally uploaded by wazari

this is a freewrite, as is much of this blog. this one is worse. i'm a mess. i apologize. don't analyze it, please. just listen (read) if you want to.

i feel a hole in my heart already.
i'm happy for you
it's true
i think she will be better for you
but i miss you now
i miss you already
what we were
what we could have maybe been
now it cannot be

it's okay
i've just lost you,
that's all.
you will still be here,
i know,
but it will be so different.
different is not always bad,
but i'm scared
i miss you.

but no longer can i really tell you
no longer will you truly listen
or maybe you will?
i want you to be happy
i just do not want to have to miss the affection i have always seen in your eyes
i've never really known you without that look in your eyes when you see me
and i wonder who you will be
without it.

but thank the Lord that He is always here
and thank Him that i no longer have one more choice to make
because i'm not sure if i could have picked the best one.
i'm not really very good at that.

i know, i am still just a child. it will be alright. let us go on as siblings in Christ. i fear abandonment more than anything else, as a child would. more than that, i fear that all the love will fall from your eyes. all the love for me will be transferred. it will be gone. i hope that it is not the case. i believe that it will not be the case. i forget sometimes that i must trust my Father, like a child would. He will take care of me. i mustn't worry. and thankfully you still care for me, too... how wonderful (:

i just always want to be the best for everyone, to make all of your lives wonderful. but i just almost make the cut...

Today

Nocturne*
Originally uploaded by imapix

^The picture has little to do with the post, I just fell in love with it^

I've been reading "Siddhartha" today and writing a lot. Here are a few excerpts of what I've written today:

We are often self-seeking, but in seeking self we find him/her to be severely lacking; In seeking happiness we find depression in the realization that a self-seeking self is worthless, depraved, stagnant, and irrelevant.

A true kiss. Every part is unique, artful. It is made up of past and future, but is felt completely only in the present. The moment before is a feeling that cannot be encapsulated, cannot be recreated.

Without dependence on another, there is no reason to worry or to hurry. You may go about life doing what you think is best with no one to question you unless you question yourself... Maybe it would seem best to become close to no one at all... 

Obviously I don't agree with this last part. I was rambling on, trying to understand how some people think. I was also trying to understand why it is that a perfectly peaceful man in "Siddhartha" is mentioned as being without a wife. Possibly because he is something like a monk, but it also made me think: to be alone is to have so much less worry. Ah, and Paul speaks of this in a letter of his. 1 Corinthians 7. Interesting stuff.

Frustration

Frustration
Originally uploaded by Rajiv Ashrafi

When you don't care at all
And the LORD catches your fall
But instead of falling into His arms
You push Him away and run in alarm

And you say-
Girl, why you gotta be this way?
Can't you stand up and change?
There's nothing in this world that makes less sense
Than running from the truth,
There's no defense

You're wanting to die
But still, you just want to fly
But you can't figure how to do it
Without steppin' on somebody else's wings

And the worst thing you can be
Is someone else's harlotry
The one who breaks his heart
The one who makes it hard

It scares you and it scars him
But you won't push away his limbs
Cuz you want his heart around you
And your cowardice confounds you

You almost want the pain
For the sake of the gain
You think you'll grow
You just want to know

But it will stunt his growth
And it will make you old
Wise beyond your years
Burdened by so many tears

Please don't leave me alone
In this field, so cold
No one else is here but me and you.
Please help me out of here
Please help me out

Your letters

Cara Lia... Andrea mio...
Originally uploaded by niandra

i found Your letters tonight:
a wake up call to things I've learned and forgotten because they are too painful to remember. i remember the times You speak of, when we thought of little besides being together, sharing life. There's so much i wish i could share with You now. There's so much more we could learn together. i am more and better now. But at the same time i'm so much less. Without You, my most adoring muse, i seem to have so little to say that matters. Or maybe You just aren't there to tell me how much it matters. All i want is to tell You of the new things i've learned, said, done, thought, loved, despised... All i want is to tell You everything, because i trust(ed?) You, but You refuse to listen to a single word. And to be incapable of being understood by something uncontrollable is almost unbearable. Why do i need to feel in control? i know that in reality God is in control. It's so hard to trust when the answer seems so wrong in some way. i know He (God) is trustworthy. i just don't think i will ever totally grasp it until my hope of Heaven is realized. God's letters give me that hope, and that comfort i need. He will love me forever. It will never grow dull or be taken away.

"Dating?"

Holding Hands at Sunset
Originally uploaded by Jim Vail Photos

"Dating" is a term primarily by those outside a relationship. Sure, it's a way to define a relationship for those who need succinct definitions, I guess. Then again, everyone's definition of "dating" is different, isn't it? What does it even mean to be "romantically involved" with someone? Does this only refer to physical things? Does this refer to a possibility of marriage? (ohhhh scary haha). Why is the term "dating" or "going out" really necessary? My point is this: a friend is a friend.  You can decide if it is the time to be exclusive in a relationship, or if it's okay to be physical. I think the word "dating" was made up by FRIENDS of 2 friends who liked to hang out, hold hands, and kiss. They just wanted to be able to more easily gossip about people. Just my theory.

corrupt

Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

Sometimes do you just feel like laying down in the middle of the sidewalk, giving up on the things you feel you cannot be? Have you ever wondered why you've become the way you are? There are times when you think maybe you are a bad person on the inside. If people really knew you, surely they'd agree. You don't like the looks of you. How can you change it though? It seems you've just "gone bad."

Galatians 6:7-11 (context is circumcision)
7. Do not be deceived, God is not mocked ; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

8. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

9. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.
10. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.
11. See with what large letters I am writing to you with my own hand.

Look at verse 8. Let's put our efforts into spiritual things, and we will reap the wonder and beauty of spiritual life. Don't forget your core, and I'll try not to forget mine.

PS-Next time you're outside, take a moment and listen to the sound of the dead leaves when the wind makes them scurry across the concrete. God made even the tiniest things so beautiful.

child-like honesty

Kuwait Independence - National Day
Originally uploaded by AmmarQ8.com

i was thinking my feelings away
now i'm feeling my thoughts away
but at least now
at last i can really look you in the face

"Words are flowin' out like endless rain into a paper cup..."

Rain Galaxy
Originally uploaded by j.walsh

i have such ridiculous reactions to the radical revelations of the real world
after a life of trying to live up to the love you don't wanna give up
i'm learning to forgive and forget you
yeah i move away fast, forget the past, hoping one day i might hold someone who will last me a lifetime
but secretly stealing a glance at your gaze when i watch you look at me from far away
i've gotta stay away from bein near your face
darlin' don't tempt me
making me think i've got a chance to make a melody sing within your sweet sultry silhouette
sweetheart don't say i've got to stay when you know full well that you will never say truthfully to me that you miss me immensely
you inspire me
i just need some more inspiration
and sometimes i'd rather take the fall to feel the call to create something that will make someone feel not so alone anymore.

Oh Baby.

Jason Mraz 3
Originally uploaded by tonipebble

Jason Mraz knows what music is about I think. And I would have given a lot to meet him tonight, just to sing a song with him. Even just to encourage him somehow, though I'm sure there are times he will need it more than right now, when everyone falls all over him. I'm not going to talk more about this or I will probably make a fool of myself. The point is, if you have musical talent, use it without fear, and it's possible that many a girl will long to have the heart that you put into your music.

Hold me like you hold your guitar...

Solitary Man
Originally uploaded by Soffia Gisladóttir

He holds it with comfort, but with care. Even as he plays it with such passionate love, he is careful not to harm it. It is like a part of him, and he is not scared to give his whole soul into playing it. He doesn't mind you knowing how much he loves it, but he doesn't do it just to show off. Even when he is alone, he loves his guitar. He is not afraid of it; He knows it will not hurt him. He trusts music above all. One day, a man will love me the way he loves his guitar.

Sometimes you have to hold tight

Trainspotting
Originally uploaded by Trois Têtes (TT)

and sometimes you have to let go. It is your decision; be thankful for that. Don't be passive. Make the choice: Hold on or let go.

eyes open

kissing claire, eyes wide open!
Originally uploaded by cxh2005

If you kiss with your eyes open, do you mean it any less? Maybe you don't want to miss anything. Maybe you want to make sure that love doesn't blind you the way it always does. But you have to blink every once in a while.

chucks

zoin
Originally uploaded by Honey Pie!

wow.

pretty colours

3aba6 ka3ko0o3ah =P
Originally uploaded by ka3ko0o3ah™©

God created colour. It amazes me every day.

resisting the call of a good man's open arms

nearly impossible. 

there aren't many nights like this

i went to see my friend play music tonight. God has given you an amazing talent of some sort. Remember, it was God who made that talent that is specific to you, so it has to be awesome. Use it. The LORD is so amazing. Thank Him for making music. It is such a beautiful gift. And in Heaven we will sing His song, more amazing than anything here on earth. I can't imagine hearing a song composed by God, when a song of a friend gives me chills and makes me feel at home and makes me want to love and to be loved. If only i could write a song, not perfect, but with no motivation for anything in the world. What if i just let the music flow out of me? Truly, honestly. What if i could turn of my musical filter entirely? Not be afraid of lacking anything. Not be afraid. "Perfect love casts out all fear." 

I could stand in the sprinkling rain at midnight forever. What if I were to never feel that feeling again? Of the tingling rain. I cannot neglect the rain.

for now?

i see that you are beautiful

i see that you are true

i see a missing piece

that i could give to you

but if i give it 

i might have to take it back

and if i give it

you may find that my piece lacks

i back away from your beauty

i back away from your love

i want it but don't need it

i need it but don't want it

walk away, dear friend, walk away

you don't deserve the pain.

i can hardly handle myself, 

gone wrong

i seem to do well

but some days i wonder 

if i'm headed for Hell

the way i treat you sometimes

the way i subconsciously mess with your mind

oh friend just lie beside me for one hour

let me feel the power

of the heat of someone next to me

pretending you are the same as me

pretending that you were made for me

just stay with me 

please stay with me

for now

well you're the kinda guy who doesn't know what he wants

but you're the one who acts like nothin's ever wrong

i wanna love you cuz you think i'm beautiful

but boy i just don't know if i can handle

the way you just say nothin' for an hour...

i'm thinkin' of how my life's so awesome

but then i remember you aren't in it
i have so many wells to drink from
but you're the one i can't forget

--------------------------------------------------

i realize you're ignoring me, 

darling, not my darling...

but i can't get over what you said when you were free

baby, her baby

before she had you 

you loved me and only me

but within just a few weeks

i became nothing

i became someone you never want to see

is it my fault?

'cuz i can't see any other way this could be fair

please, can i have some closure 

i never really knew what that meant 

until now

i thought that people were silly

for wanting one last goodbye

but now i get why

'cause you left me without warning

i thought we could still be friends, but darling 

you won't

so i just keep on trying 

every once in a while

i try to make you smile

even though you don't want it to be 'cause of me...

you want to smile again at her

'cause she's perfect for you, dear

i'm the worst voice you could hear

though it's sweet and it draws your ear

you can't listen 

i know it'd never last forever

but i want it to 

'cause i miss you more than i've missed anyone

since i was 14...

the first time i thought i was in love

and no one could convince me otherwise

i'm still pretty sure it was true...

but now i feel it again 

that longing for that friend

the boy who kept my life joyful

the memory of you...

decisions, decisions...

well all could be right but each could be wrong

when there's no wrong decision

but they all have troubles of their own

there's nothin you can do but just go along for the ride

there's nothin you can do but just pray and hope that Christ's

example will tell you 

something to do

and your heart will

kinda help you

hope that the decision you make is

somethin worth makin

you hope that the decision you make will

make somethin else outa you but

won't hurt your heart but will change you

for the better

but it's nearly impossible

that's nearly impossible

yeah that's nearly, nearly, nearly impossible...

when all could be right 

but each could be wrong

when there's no wrong decision

but they all have troubles of their own 

ya gotta just sit back and enjoy the ride

ya gotta just sit back and let yourself unwind

cuz it's not the end of the world if you don't make it, hunny

it's not the end of the world if you are left alone for some time

it's not the end of your life

probly not...

oh girl ya gotta make it

girl ya gotta take it home with you...

oh girl ya gotta make it 

ya gotta learn to take it 

and show em what you can do

rush, rush

to become what you want to be

rush, rush

to see who you need to see

to grow 

to achieve

to gain love

rush, rush

or your life may be emptied of all of this

and then

what is it worth?

a pushy mom can make you famous

you got a cute little smile
and a fake little grin
and a love for music
cuz you know there's somethin in it
but you don't know what it is just yet
and you'll probably never really know
if you keep at it this way

you gotta open up your love
you gotta open up your mind
you have to stop closing up
you have to let yourself unwind
or girl you'll never know love
and you'll never know music
the way God made it to be known

but still people love your every move
eyes watch as you sing a tune
cuz you've got somethin goin on
you're close, so close
but you have to find the truth

without truth,
music is a bunch of sound
without truth,
lyrics are just pretty vowels

the internal battle

What is better? To take/give a chance and risk hurting yourself and/or someone else, or to reject someone and risk a hurt self-esteem and losing an amazing possibility? To me it is almost irresponsible NOT to take a risk, because you are pushing away an opportunity that has been given to you. 

wow.

Amazing opportunities are all of a sudden flocking around me like ducks around a person with bread. They may be a little shy, but they are slowly approaching me, hoping for a little bite of truth. 

PS-

i saw a band play music for real tonight. it was awesome. they took my breath away. seriously. the delta saints.

a poem from last semester

i found my last notebook from last semester. This poem was the first 3 pages. I thought it was interesting. Not extremely organized, but it is me we're talking about here. haha. 

You're so unobtrusive

So perfectly sweet

Never would you do anything

To even slightly hurt me

Your interests are not the main event

What's best for us takes precedent

If only you were what I see

As helpful, spiritually, to me

I need a man who puts God first

Without that, every-thing's a blur

The relationship's direction is not

Going to any certain spot

And if it is, it's the wrong one...

That's it. 

Oh no.

I always say relationships 

Bring you closer to God or further from Him

And here you are, taking me away

I can't deny it, but I so badly want to stay.

Please, God, I want to be with You

But don't make me leave him

I think he needs me, too.

Not to say You need me in any way

But oh God, my LORD,

You know I need You.

I want to show him the love You gave me

The way Your Son died on Calvary

He knows, he knows, 

But he's not convinced

I'm scared, God,

Will he be like him?

Without warning will he up and leave,

Without hesitance, and with transparent speed?

I'm falling, falling, falling again

I have to stop this vicious cycle

He's falling, falling

For "just a friend"

This might not work for a while

God, please help me to see

If I am really doing wrong.

I just want to love him

Cuz I know how it feels

To have had love

And want it back so bad

But not want the same one at all

He deserves someone who knows Christ's love

It seems almost natural to him, 

Maybe?

How can I resist?

Should I?

What would God want?

I love Him most.

Realizing i have to help people

i sit on my bed, on Haloween. i want nothing but to remember how to be happy. i've been sitting forever, it seems, miserable for the first time in years. Why am i miserable? All i want is to have a meaningful conversation with someone. i yearn for it. Sometimes i think it is my mind crying out. Sometimes i think i need serious psychiatric help. What can i do? Would studying make me feel more useful, more worth my own while? Should i lay here and cry? Should i try to call him, though he will probably just run from me? i miss him so. i was helping him. i was loving him. i was making him happy. All i want to do is to help someone to Christ, but i seem to have lost my touch. i seem to have lost my enthusiasm a bit, lost sight of my hope. i need to help someone. i desperately need to share the Truth, for the Truth alone is not anything like the Truth with company. i've become so wrapped up in thinking that people won't listen, they don't want to hear, they don't care, that i nearly refuse to tell. i just hope that someone asks, that an opportunity strikes me in the face. 

"All you need is love..."

Can i share with You?

you know.

What would make me feel best will make me feel worst. I cannot lie in bed alone and listen to my favourite blues record, because I've listened with you. It will only make me cry. Maybe that's what I need though. I just want to lie inside the sound and become a part of it without having to remember you being a part of it too. I want you to be a part of it, but you refuse. You have someone else to attend to now. She will not tolerate you being a part of my life, my world, my music. She will not tolerate me loving you like I do, like I can't help doing. You are the worst choice and the best. You will not answer me. All I want is to know that you have listened; to know that you know. 

an elastic melody

Melodies should be elastic. They adjust to you easily and fit tightly around you. They grow with you and shrink with you. They show the truth.

Also, I was told a couple of interesting things last night:
"You seem like a Fall kind of girl." -producer and friend, Steven
"You have a beautiful energy."- haha... random hippie guy. he was interesting.

a challenge

is a necessity for people like me. I wonder if most people are like that. Without a challenge, we will not succeed. Not because we need to feel better than someone else, but because we need someone to show us new ways to accomplish our goals.

a song with a stranger

I stepped into his bitingly cold garage with the grimace of an acquaintance alone with another acquaintance, both of us a bit unsure what to do with ourselves. We slid into the living room with ease and began to talk. We didn’t stop. We had dinner, and talked more. After several hours we decided to get down to business and play our music. We did little of that, and had trouble focusing. My melodies were elastic, and his guitar playing was structured. To me it was all about boys, and I have no idea what it was about to him. The song, that is. That’s the problem. I need to learn to ask more, rather than expect to be told. 

changing

Everything, every person, every second we are changing. Our core, though, seldom changes. It takes so little to change our actions , but slowly those actions can change our core. What is your core? What does your life revolve around? If you do not have confidence, you cannot help others. Work on yourself by not being self-centered. So many people think being self-centered is good. It's the only way to get ahead. I disagree. It is a good way to get unhappy, though. The more you focus on yourself, the more you realize some things. You realize that you have a lot of "problems." You realize that your life will never be perfect. You realize how much other people don't care about you. Well get out of your lazy boy and start caring about them. You'll find out a whole lot more about yourself and how to make yourself better that way, I think. 

past and present

Tonight I decided to read some old notebooks...
Don't jump to conclusions, by the way. These are from a place where I wasn't planning on showing them to anyone, so it may sound like incriminating evidence, but it's probably not. Also, I'm not really looking for writing critiques. I just want to know if it makes you think, and if so, what it makes you think. I don't consider myself a good writer. I just try to tell the truth, and hope maybe it will do something good.

I ran across a journal entry from Nov. of 2007 tonight. It was reflecting on/answering the question "If love were easy, would life be too simple?" It brought these thoughts:

When someone wants to trust something or someone completely, the intelligent thing to do is to test it. We all learn this by trusting too easily and then being disappointed. An intelligent seeker of truth must also be a genuine skeptic. To find a reliable truth, you must question.

This also applies to love. Love IS simple. We make it complicated. We have to test it. Is it the real kind? What is the real kind? We do not just accept that someone loves us. When someone says "I love you" we (in our minds, if not out loud) think "no you don't" or "do you really?" We ask ourselves a series of questions that we think test if that person truly loves us, or we somehow test him or her. I never understood that. How can you test a person? People change every second. Everything affects us.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written around 9/24/07

Why all this useless energy
Spent pursuing these things that won’t bring true happiness?
No, I want to be inspired
I want to sit quietly
Silence inspires truth
Silence is truth
It lets you hear the truth
It lets you step back and look at it
It lets you feel each movement with such precision
I just want to lie near you
Alone, no one to impress
Feel the tenderness in every touch
Feel the hot air
Almost suffocating
Out of your mouth, into mine
Pure in mind
No thought of infidelity
But simple silence
Out of reverence for love
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's something else I found, written 4/20/08

I wonder what you think of me, sometimes.
I shouldn’t want you, but I do, sometimes.
I just want someone
Close to me
To hold me
And to miss me
Someone who understands me a little bit more than he does
You, you, the way you make me feel
You, you, how special you make me want to be
But I’m not sure if you’re just desperate
Or if you really do like me
Should I say something
Or should I just leave it be
Please, just rub my back again
While I’m going to sleep
I know I shrugged it off
I just wasn’t used to it yet.
Do you really like me

you don’t know what love is, do you?
See, there is the problem.
You are not hesitant
For you do not know how love can kill
Ah, but this is good
Innocence like a child
That’s what we all need
I don’t want to break that for you
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and 4/30/08

She counts herself so lucky
That she really can’t resist
All the many boys that want her
Most of them are attractive

Other girls don’t get that
She thinks
It will go away soon
So why should I not take advantage of it
Before I reach my doom

She thinks that she’ll regret it
If she says no to a kiss
But maybe just the opposite is true
She thinks that she’ll miss her chance
To be loved through and through
But it’s not time to be loved like that just yet.
No one can love her like that just yet.
The problem is that someone has before
She longs for that
She thinks that love is more
Than anything she could ever want
It’s true
But she’s looking for it in all the wrong places
She’s looking straight at you.

Never Forget What It's Like to...

You'd think i, of all people, would let go easily. 

Actually,

come to think of it,

You might not.

i really have no idea.

In any case, i dont.

sure, it looks like i do,

but i dont.

Then again,

that might be my own fault.

i never want to forget 

what its like

to love someone. 

ever

Because thats how i know

how to love the LORD,

though He's the one that really teaches us how to love in the first place.

if that makes sense