the love of money is the root of all evil

i hate money. no really. i despise it right now. i am generally a care-free person, believing nothing is worth worrying about. we can all get over all the stupid stuff we worry about. what i struggle with is worrying about money. not because of myself so much as my family. i hate feeling as though i am making life a struggle for them by doing the things i feel i need to do. by going to college and working on an album, i don't have time for a job, and i am spending money rather than making it. but these are my opportunities, and i also feel a responsibility to take them. ughhhhh
i hate money.
sorry for that rant, i just don't know what to do with myself today.

power

Fallen Beauty (A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall)
Originally uploaded by Osvaldo_Zoom

God's traits and message are so huge and powerful. To capture even a small piece of one of them in song renders the song more powerful than most.
For example, timelessness: this can probably only be accomplished by doing something so unique that it is never able to be sufficiently recreated, which can only be done by our God-given creativity. Also, utter truthfulness: I can only partially accomplish this, as I only really know the truth of what goes on inside my own self and the truth that is told to me by my God. And honestly, I do not grasp the fullness of either. Relevance across many groups of people (similar to timelessness): most likely to be accomplished by utter truthfulness + awareness of others, but never full. No song is fully universal, though parts of it may resonate to different extents with different people.
And one day in Heaven, we will sing the only truly universal song, the song we will all know by heart without learning it, the song God Himself created, the "new song."

change?

66/365: CHANGE takes time {Explored}
Originally uploaded by AllyRichelle

trying to be more purposeful in the messages of songs, while still letting inspiration work. trying to balance myself. the start of a new song. any ideas where vs. 2 might go? feedback on what i have? thanks for the love and positivity in the past <3 btw i love you back.


i used to be the image of innocence
one day i looked into the mirror and saw
the path of least resistance
i used to have contained curiosity
one day i found myself begging to be
things i should never have seen

and now, look at me
close to sad and alone
close to down on my luck,
wishing just to be home
but i know where to go
and i know the right way
so i'll take it,
i'll change today.

There's Always One

There's Always One
Originally uploaded by nickwheeleroz (on holiday)

music is about many single beings:

God, the creator of the creative

the listener who immediately feels understood
the listener who doesn't get it at first, until it sinks in and changes their perspective
the listener who rediscovers it with new eyes years later
the one who takes a song and replays it as his/her own art
the performer who spills out his/her soul to whoever wants to listen, despite occasional discouragement
the listener who loves and supports it
the listener who realizes he/she has a story to tell too, and tells it for the sake of others and self
the performer/writer who realizes that the most horrible comment or situation cannot offset the encouragement of one person who has developed an everlasting bond with your song through a hard time and/or a beautiful one

Someone anonymously told me a couple of days ago that my songs were no good. I tried hard not to let it discourage me, though the comments were extremely negative, because I've always stuck to the idea that my songs are to change one person, not the world. Today someone else anonymously told me that one of my songs got her through a hard breakup. And that comment is getting me through. Things like that keep me going. and my Lord keeps me going.

give me

the picture i found on flickr wouldn't let me blog it, but here's what it said underneath the pic:

...sage nicht, dass Du geben willst, sondern gib...
Goethe

...dont say you want to give. Just give...
(Goethe)

newest song... haven't decided how i feel about it yet, but here 'tis!

I’ve finally found a love that can almost drown him out of my mind

I’ve finally found someone who knows who I am inside

you might just be the love of my life

but I only have right now to show you why

 

I’m not the kind of girl to try to give a man what he wants

I am just myself, take it or leave it is my thought

but you feel like my last hope for truth

I want to stay happy with you

 

I wanna watch you brush your teeth before you go to bed

I’d love to travel, I’d stay home with you instead

 

so won't you give me

won’t you give me everything I need

won’t you give me

before you leave

 

you gave me all I asked for and so much more

we went down a road I had never been down before

and now I wonder, was it right?

to give up my heart without a fight?

 

I can't take it back now, what I’ve given to you

I just hope you treasure it more than the other men do

I hope that I’m the love of your life

cuz it takes a part of me when we fight

 

don't leave me again and make me cry

no matter what you do, I have to try

 to give you

i will give you everything you need

i will give you

before you leave...

 

you are so amazing

won't you please give yourself to me

though I know I shouldn't take it,

I'm afraid of what I might leave

 

I wish the words you sing were meant from you to me

but they were meant for other ears, I believe

 

but i'll still give you

i'll give you everything you need

 i will give you

before you leave....

  © Sephra Osburn 2009

.puppet.

Inside the pain
Originally uploaded by Tous les noms sont déjà pris... pfff...

too weak to stand alone,
i am your puppet.
i trust you,
do with me what you will.
you've made me who i have come to be.

i know life only by what you have shown me.

then you left me on the side of the road,
broken and scratched
and i hoped someone would come and pick me up,
or you'd take me back
but you never came,
so i had to learn to walk alone.

for the first time
i stood
without help
for the first time
i walked
by myself
and the beauty overwhelmed me

but i was alone.

then i met a puppet master.
amazed at how i stood alone,
he begged me to be his,
to stay with him at his home.
i thought he would treat me with the love i deserved,
i thought he would let me do what i do best-
stand alone.

but i was just a challenge to master
i was just a prize to sit on his shelf
i couldn't stand their laughter
when again i couldn't stand for myself.

the perfect, loving master has come for me.

He is in my arms and legs, 

but i control the strings. 

songs of the morning....

Holkham Dawn
Originally uploaded by . Andrew Dunn .

the perfect songs of the morning
draw me to your side
the hymns of the birds and the wind and the trees
are what keep me alive
and as we lay with our backs in the cushion of the dawn
i close my eyes to the beauty that's been drawn
and listen closely to the perfect songs of the morning

--the path--

Path to Grandma's House
Originally uploaded by Ms Ladyred

.the latest.

not organized, some lyrics:

was it true

when we said i love you

i guess i believed it at the time

was it you

who turned my heart to new

when i thought that it was gonna die

you're perfect but you're not what i want

you're perfect but i can't take this on

i'm not ready for your other plans

i need another perfect man

the things you say

can't turn me away

and i know that you would never lie

things you do

melt me through and through

you always do everything just right

you were almost gone

but i can't be alone

and you are the one who brought me home

we're closer now

than i should have allowed

further along than a child-bearing mom

you're just what i need, but the wrong time and wrong place

you're just what i want without the means to fit in pace

i want you so bad, you've got me in your hands

i have to resist before i fall again

---------------------

some words:

im goin down the wrong path

seems that it might be

the closest i can get to the right one

inching to something

i know is wrong for me

but there's not much to pull in the other direction

so dear don't leave me lonely

dear do let me lie in your loving embrace

dear don't deny me of dangerous love,

of damaging dares of darlings in the dark

i'm messed up...

this isn't an attack on anyone, it's just an observation... i can see the possibility of a profiled jerky Christian becoming a trend in some circles. Obviously not an out-and-out jerk, but ya know, the good guy that treats his girlfriend badly, but somehow people think that makes him hott stuff. people showing dominance over God, or just questioning to be "philosophical," a mockery of the lover of truth.

everybody likes "i'm a messed up Christian" rock
it makes you feel like you're not alone,
and you're not
but that doesn't make it okay.

it's not wrong to show your weakness
and please be honest about those scars
but if it becomes a trend to treat God badly in the name of honesty,

it's a lie and i'm out.
i'm gonna rat on you.
i'm a tattle-tale

things i'm thinkin' tonight

i have a part of a heart for you
i'm savin it up for whatever you want to do

but i know it just isn't your style
to come when i want it the most
i know i'm not in your file
of girls you would give your utmost

at least we had our time,
but that time wasn't enough
it will never shine again
we're left with only rust
--------------------------------
and he's still here
laughing into your adoring eyes
still here at 4 am
enjoying the hoped for surprise
that maybe he doesn't really love his girlfriend back home
maybe he really wants you to call his own

but it never comes.
------------------------

God and hospis. ?

there's something about the exhileration of being messy. i see it in a movie and it makes me feel like i would want to be there; not because it's all cool on a movie screen, but because i know what it feels like to live carelessly, messily. i'm sure i don't know that feeling entirely, because i've only been messy to my standards.
the difference is, now i know what that feels like a little later. i also know that i'm in love with a God who has treated me better than i ever imagined anyone could treat such a messed up person. He treasures me, even when i mess up. He always wants me back. "how could i treat this dear One so ill, when He is ever so nigh?" And how could i treat myself carelessly, when i am His vessel? i'm His. my body and my actions are His.

also, how can hospis ask you to call in a timely manner right after your grandma dies?

-----------
seems like everyone's an addict these days
guess i can add myself to the list
there's so much i'm fighting right now
or am i fighting?

let's rearrange.
to fight and win-
you put your whole self into the struggle.
when you do that,
is it really a struggle anymore?
or does your opponent just
give up??

Crispy Clean

Stay clean
Originally uploaded by Midnight-digital

so clean, so clean
crispy, crispy clean
we all bask in her innocent eyes
and wonder how long it wil be
til they become harsh like mine

so clean, so clean
crispy, crunchy clean
but i want something real
something that looks more like me
someone who knows how to feel

being clean is one thing
knowing is another
you can always go back to purity
but you can't get back your mother

--------------------
open up your eyes
by closing them
tell yourself lies
to find out they're not true
it's what we do
show yourself approved


hope that made some kind of sense

i miss you

Carmelo Sunshine
Originally uploaded by ● SandroG

but i ought not.

you're an odd one, that's for sure...

Glad 2 B different
Originally uploaded by Crazy Princess

i wish i could hold you all night, alone, beneath the covers
i wish i could hold your gaze in mine
i just want to see your face, and give you the shivers
and i want to hear those cheesy lines

cuz you're the odd one out
i have no doubt
that you are different
kinda like me

i've looked and i've looked for someone to turn my head
i've tried to tell my heart to beat faster, again
waited for the boy in the teen fiction books i've read
he didn't come, but there were others to go after

but you're the odd one out
and i have no doubt
that you are just as different
as me

yeah you're the odd one out
kinda like me



too cheesy? lol

Be

Darfur_Child
Originally uploaded by vergueishon

there are 25 pillows in the bed i'm staying in.
not one of them is necessary.
no one listens to political activists
until they get too loud and scary
show me what's real, please
i'll run away with ease
it's so easy not to care
'til you're there.

you always wonder
why no one's helping you
you always wonder
what they've got to do
that's so much more important
than a pillow
under your head
you forget how they fight to survive
children learn how to not die
while you worry about getting a big enough house
for yourself, children and spouse.

these are your brothers and sisters
these are the women who raised you
these are your next of kin
so get out of your hole
move into the role
you were made to fit perfectly in

first impressions

first impression
Originally uploaded by dreifachzucker

i always thought you were so much better than me
but first impressions can be so deceiving

there's a point at which
you run and hide,
another at which
you realize
that there's nothing
to run about
'cuz we're all figuring it out
as we go

recent thoughts from the notebook of me

a bit of advice- when someone is talking, show that you're listening- it affects the speaker. if you have ever performed music in a laid-back environment, you know how it feels to have people not listen. 

my struggle is with flesh and bones 

while yours lies deep within the soul

you fear the coming of the dark

i see only the dawn we're warned of

i think you might be missin' the mark

though i'm sure nowhere close to a bull's-eye

i'd love to run away with you

but i am just too tired to

play a game again 

with another fool

i'd love to meet you in the dark

make a fire out of a spark

but i've burned down this barn

one too many times

i've gotta sit you on the bed

tell you all the things i've read

that say you're wrong for me

and exactly why

Daydream

Daydream
Originally uploaded by Taryn Davis

I've been imagining arms I've never felt around me
It seems my only hope of something real.
Opportunities are abundant, not astounding
Plentiful, but not one that's worth a meal.
----------
It's that hopeless abandon that beautifies us,
that point at which we are too weak to even pretend to be sensible.

We are so full of longing we would do anything

for one moment.

And it destroys us.

--------------
one last thing:

Chris Thile lyrics-

"I am yours if you want me
And I'm sorry if you do
'Cause I don't have that much to offer
A girl who knows as much as you

I'm scared of your body
and I'm scared of your soul
But I'd rather be letdown
Than let being with you go

I am yours if you want me
you can see I'm not mine anymore
it didn't take much to drive me crazy
I guess I wasn't that sane before

I don't care about my future
and I don't care about your past
Those things come from and lead to right now
and they can get -- out fast

So I am yours if you want me
And you know what now I think you should
'cause I want you to be mine so bad
I promise I will make it good"

Sometimes I feel exactly like this. The song is amazing.

to you who listen

I know some of you may worry about me from time to time when I write in this blog. I just want you to know that I am indeed going through some growing pains, but no more than your average growing person I suppose. Sometimes I am dramatic, and sometimes I am actually not even writing about myself, but about someone else who I feel deeply for. Don't be discouraged by my ranting- I am merely sorting through the pain so I can find the delicious pulp in the juice of life. Random metaphor. Whatever. haha. If you are reading this, I trust you, so thank you for being trustworthy. 

I love you
Originally uploaded by zaccollins

he said it's finally over.

just when i was getting my second wind

"going in for the kill, kill" (regina)

when i'd pushed all my thoughts aside

because my emotions, 

my instincts

were so strong.

i wanted his imperfect grit of a man

to hold me down

and want me bad.

but he only wants

what he can't so easily have

and isn't that always

the truth?

---------

it's all just a power struggle

-----

... but really, none of us can ever probably take into account everything we ought to- we cannot be thorough, satisfy. But there are other reasons to believe. He answers prayer.

-----------

a mother, even-tempered wife

she lives with him, 

always his beautiful bride

for she is never-changing,

always the woman

he thought he married

--------

you've told me,

i know we're through

you're falling

for someone new

i never had a real chance

but when we danced

i want to tell you-

that i miss the shape of your back

the way you say things,

how you react

but you probably don't wanna know,

so i'll walk away.

nature, etc.

Vilano Beach Moon Rocks
Originally uploaded by JamesWatkins

some random thoughts from my notebook lately---

the moon shoves over the sun
i roll my feelings out for fun
i choose to blindly run
in your direction-
the direction of the living...
---------
your faults are beauty marks
upon the pale precious skin of the mourning
your love is the slow roll of the tide
over the curves of my body,
over the nerves in your toes
---------
you're the son my father never will have
---------
my magic tricks don't work on you
you know better than to believe my illusions
i try so hard,
you see right through
but you're a natural at everything you do

friends, more or less

we went from more than friends to less than friends in just

half a moment

we went from locking lips to tectonics in less

than a year

i want to close my ears to all i hear 

cuz you have nothing good to say

i wonder how we figured out

that we couldn't go on this way

Nuevo. Peace?

Blank Sheet of Paper
Originally uploaded by mark78_xp

haphazard peace.

--------------

I'm indecisive. I don't mean that I'm scared
to tell you what
I think. I would tell you, for sure,
if i could only figure it out for myself.

--------------------

My hugs are coming back,
the way they used to be.
I cling onto you like I mean it,
even when maybe I don't.
I am desperate
for those looks into closed eyes
or eyes so open that you wondered how they could be
so honest.
I am desperate
for someone
to treasure the love I give.
Maybe if I treasure it,
then you will too...?

--------------------------------

Is this peace?
This feeling of being new again?
I'm not even sure why it's here
I welcome it gleefully, but where is it coming from?
I suppose I know-

I'm trying to refocus-
of course, that's where it's suppose to come from:
You.
Sorry, even when I remember,I somehow forget how to make it all fit.
How to search, how to love honestly,how to trust You,
though I've learned to so many times.
I forget.
But I'm remembering again, I'm coming back.
Please don't forget who I was, when I go again.
I don't want to go again.
Always remember the best of me.
maybe I can stay this once..

the blame.

just posting to share some updates and things :)
Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

you are not to blame
for those hot nights when i came
'cuz i called you with my eyes
to hold me tight

i could never truly say
that i regret that day
but sometimes
i think i might.

chase me down, boy
i want you to long for me
i won't be just a toy
i'll suspend my disbelief

fool

you said that i should come over

i'd be a fool not to go

you said that i should come over

and see your house in the snow

but i came and i went 

not a snowflake could be found

and i don't pay the rent

but still you want me to lie down... with you

you said that i should come over

i'd be a fool not to go

cuz i would be that much closer

to something no one else knows

but i came and i went

not a piece of your truth was found

though i lay in your bed

with nothin on but a frown

you said that i should come over

i'd be a fool not to go

but is it just entertainment?

is it all just a show?

cuz when i came

ya kissed me on the cheek

but when i left 

ya barely looked at me

well i was askin for it

when i said 

"honey, i don't care"

yeah i was askin' for it

when i laid myself right there ... for you

you said that i should come over

i would be a fool to go

baby i want to

but i gotta let go

cuz you turn me into someone i dont wanna be

my ideals seem to melt when you so much as look at me

baby if i come over it'll be 

somethin' new, somethin' sweet, somethin' clean

you are.

only on these days
when death is near
do i remember my love for you
and forget that it's "over"
because that no longer matters
all that matters now is this-
are you okay?

i do not need to kiss you again
but if you need me,
i need to be there.
somehow, 
your voice still means life.
for your life to be gone
would still take a little of mine

and it doesn't matter if you know
that i still love you

because life 
will be gone in just a moment, darling

life 

will be gone, so don't you worry,
hardly
anything will be left

Just who you are.

"Christian" music vs. "Christians"

Though the majority of the population in the United States would call themselves “Christian,” secular music always seems to be far ahead of “Christian” music in listeners. The most obvious answer is that secular music has a more general subject matter, making it easier for Christians to relate to secular music than it is for non-Christians to relate to “Christian” music. “Christian” music often talks only about Jesus, and I suppose secular music often talks about sinful things. People disagree about what is sinful and what isn’t, which allows for a larger audience to listen to secular music that others within Christianity might deem “sinful” for one reason or another. Non-Christians, however, do not debate about whether Jesus is all that most religious music claims Him to be. The more a “Christian” band pushes its own theological ideas through music, the less likely people are to listen. Many people turn off to things they disagree with, but especially within the scope of CCM (Contemporary Christian Music), because it seems so very shallow. In a song, you may not be able to explain all your logical (or otherwise) reasons for your theological beliefs, but what you can do is be creative. Creativity is natural to an impassioned artist, and stale formation of songs is unnatural and obvious. When it comes to music, listeners do not expect to have to try to enjoy themselves: this is supposed to be entertainment after all. You can’t force anyone to believe what you believe; all you can do is be genuinely passionate, share that, and let it be enjoyed. Maybe it will change someone, if they will only listen.

struggle

We struggle only with our longings. Being yourself is easy for you if you think little about it, but being who you want to be takes desire and a struggle. Falling into a good relationship might be easier for those who don't try.

Or maybe not. 

If you don't care, you can't love. If we don't struggle for love or peace or whatever we decide to care about, what is life worth? What is worth the struggle? Choose wisely.

EARTH
Originally uploaded by Taryn Davis

1.
Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

ps- just thoughts

sometimes do you wish that no one cared

just what you did?

cuz when you play the fool

you know just what you're doin

----

what song can i give to You,

Who created music?

what love can i give to You?

You are love.

both glory and honor are in Your very name.

all i can do is give back what i have been given.

all i pray is things that You know i will pray.

You are my only good reason for living

So please don't leave me,

keep being my day to day

some songs

tell me what you think-

-----

shove it in our faces

all the things you are unsure about

what you think He's saying

mostly 'cuz of how you've been brought up

Let's just be honest

try to be objective

won't you see it from 

his perspective

You want to 

run away, 

run away from the conflict

Hide away 

inside your hollow confidence.

It's not that I've never been that way before

But I've changed and I want the same for you.

Please learn a love that's true

There's nothing you have to be proud about

Always someone smarter

Though you may doubt it...

You can't always

Run away, run away from the conflict

Grow up boy 

Get some real confidence.

------

You're so worried about how I will feel after you call me

baby

You're so worried about what I might miss after just one

kiss

But honey, I have stayed alive for this long

So if your heart can handle doin' things all wrong

Don't you worry 'bout my heart

'Cuz I need you

For a jumpstart

Let's forget about the past

Let's just cuddle up instead

Ignore all the things you said

Open your eyes 

and see what's up ahead

Can't I help you, Mr. Man? 

Won't you let me be your (more than) friend?

Don't you worry 'bout my heart

Cuz I need you for a jumpstart

You want to sing love songs to me like you mean it but

if I react

You push away the actions I'm  feeling, give my ego

a smack

Oh, I know it's not a good idea, honey

But the alternative seems worse, cuz I feel so funny...

Don't you worry bout my heart

Cuz I need you for a jumpstart

.looking back.

.
Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

i haven't posted just a photo in a while. this struck me.

i just want to be alone

so i can never hurt anyone.

Laughter

On days like this it's hard to realize I don't have all the time in the world. It practically monsooned today- I have never seen it rain that hard. Of course I had no hood or umbrella! haha. But I loved it and laughed at myself and all the other people struggling against the rain as it jarred us rather that its usual soft taps to let us know it's there.  

I was carrying a book bag so heavy it leaves red marks on my shoulder for at least a few hours and carrying a $100 book half under my leather jacket when a guy walking in my direction simply got close enough to me that I could share his umbrella and asked where I was going. His name was John. I wish he'd be my boyfriend. 

haha. just kidding. kind of. 

When I stopped being able to see despite the help of the umbrella, I decided to head back to my room and take a shower.  

When it comes right down to it and you are faced with something so strong and powerful like the ocean, like this storm, that could easily put you in danger of death, your previous commitments become unimportant. You wonder why they ever seemed to matter in the first place when compared to this huge world, this endless universe, this powerful God.  

I watched all the people struggle through the rain today, all of us thinking we had somewhere so important to go. It's at times like that when I let myself laugh at the sillyness of it all. That's when I feel completely safe, when I am entirely at the mercy of God. Because I know that I no longer have control, and I realize how little some things matter.  

Thank God for the monsoons.

random.

a file of recent thoughts on my desktop. enjoy

she's number 1 on everyone's list

"who to kill" or "who to kiss"

she's got a mask that looks like glass

she'll make her cry and make you laugh 

she seems so sincere and perfect

every man wants her, she's so worth it

so worth all the time that you're not worth

though you're doing your best to keep up with her

she's got nothin' on you babe

with your weird little quirks

she knows she's not that girl

and that's why she smirks

she's afraid that one day the boys will discover

the place in her heart is just for a lover

she's smart, it's true, but immature

she's close to you, but she's still unsure

sweetheart, it's okay, your a person too

don't let us discourage you

if yourself is who you want to be

then be that girl, for you and me

if she's not quite there yet,

you've got time i'd bet

just keep on learning and slowly you'll see

that being perfect is about being quirky.

-----------------------------------------------------------

you say you feel so comfortable around me

well, everyone feels that way apparently

----------------------------------------------------------

no one is truly superficial

but some pretend to be

everyone's a person

no matter what you see

and we sell out our beliefs

to be who we want them to see

but if you'd open up your eyes

you'd see you are who they want you to be

everyone wants to meet someone else

just as imperfect as they are

everyone wants someone to be honest

so it's not so much of a risk

unless they are running from themselves

because they are too ugly on the inside

they don't want to see it

--------------------------------------------------------

i can't look into your eyes like that

you won't look back.

Southern Bell (not for weak stomachs)

Southern Bell-Day
Originally uploaded by southern_crafts

a nameless woman in the South
walks in high heels and white gown
at home alone with her little boy
perfectly affectionate, playing with a toy
no questions, little to say
he kisses her goodnight every day

Daddy's taught the boy and Momma
to be just what they oughta
Daddy made his perfect family
with the boy he used to be

Creativity is normal, but she'll have to watch her step
Cuz Daddy doesn't like when Mom's ideas begin to hurt his rep

He's a stranger to Momma
though he knows her awful well
He doesn't understand the trauma
she wasn't made to be a "belle"

She looks around at the perfect life he made
He comes and uses all the kisses that he saved
but they were meant for the girl who saves more face
those kisses belong to her, with the grace

The little boy comes to show Momma his new train set
Daddy follows to show what good things money can get
Momma lays on the floor, sewing needle in one hand
the other one is drenched in blood
the boy says "Momma, are you dead?"

Can't someone please explain the "perfect life?"
It drives us mad, seeing that truth does not suffice
Don't close your eyes to the problems of the world
Stay strong, don't let yourself become unfurled

A mother is much more than a mother
as a friend is more than just a friend
people should always know they are people
and show the truth, though it may offend

without self-expression we are all dead
pretending perfection pushes our minds into red



(inspired by "A Sorrowful Woman," a short story by Gail Godwin)

Baby

Bear the Scars
Originally uploaded by steveleggat

he calls me his baby
a chill-
of fear or delight?
he holds me strong in his arms
i let myself fold into them
my mind fights them off
"run! run!"
"but i am just so cozy here..."

i awake
what?
where?
why?
- and that is the one that matters -
why

i spilled my heart in this letter to you

I miss you. I hope you are doing well, spiritually, mentally, and physically. They all work together in a way anyhow, I think. Never mind. I guess our spiritual and physical well-beings often combat each other. In fact, in times of physical weakness we are often forced into spiritual growth. And maybe that is something of my problem. 

I think I need to fast from kissing, holding hands, having any sort of romantic relationship. They are just so easy and fun to create if you know the formula, and the formula comes so naturally to me. I honestly care about so many- too much not to express it, so much that I express too much. I want him to know that he is special, or I want to know that I am not too broken for someone. I am addicted to expression, I think. It forces a type of growth, and yet can show a childish lack of self-control. Not an ill-willed purposeful wrong-doing, but a naivety. 

Sometimes I long to be as naive as I act. I long not to know pain, to not realize how foolish it is to give my heart to someone who will hurt me, someone who I will inevitably hurt. I cannot keep on acting so naive, though, for I know heartbreak better than most. My heart has been broken by others and ripped with every heart I myself have broken. 

I refuse to do this ever again. I will not hurt a child of God beyond repair. Of course God can repair that which is "beyond repair," and is in the process of repairing me again. But how do I show someone the truth of Christ without showing them the truest, most passionate love I know? For Christ's love is so much more. But that love is a love that protects and never pretends.

Never.

Pretends.

Protects at all costs. 

Pushes growth.

Unselfish.

Can I do this?

Adequacy (a freewrite that happens to look like poetry)

Inadequacies
Originally uploaded by static bob

You've seen the me that only God sees
The weaknesses even I overlooked
You've brought out the bad in me,
But I needed to know it was there.

I can't fix me
When I only see "en rose"
You can't fix you
When you do "nothing wrong"

A thought can be wrong
An action is mere showing of the inward truth
And self-control is sometimes not good enough

Change is the only answer
True, living change
Brought by the true, living God
Only submit yourself to His Words
And they will change you.

-------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I miss the days

When I knew not wrong from right

For I knew not wrong at all.

Just as innocent as I seemed,

Not seeing my immaturity or insecurities,

Growing slowly, slowly

Ah! But I needed the growth spurt that came

From being forced to see the ugly truth

Of who I am

I am beautiful of spirit in ways

But immature, still

And I suppose I always will be

In comparison to truth

For it is so incomprehensible to human reasoning

I believe

But so often,

I have yet to understand.

God is.

Trade Winds - Isla Mujeres, Mexico (Near Cancun)
Originally uploaded by PatrickSmithPhotography

He is not the water or the trees or the earth or wind, but He is like them in a way. They are gentle in nature, but they all can be mighty. Each of them can destroy. But they are beautiful. Maybe this is how God tries to show us His nature. But God is not these, He is more than all of them combined. He is the only one that can stop these mighty forces. Our God is glorious. The great "I AM."

-inspired by the movie/book, "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian"

lists and Christianity

so fa from home
Originally uploaded by nardell

late last night i was going through scriptures from a lesson i'd heard and making a list of characteristics from those scriptures to possibly become new years resolutions. for those of you who were at new years in OK, yes, i'm talking about allen's lesson. i started to worry: am i making Christianity into a mere grocery list of things to do? It is suppose to be growth, and i knew focussing on these things would help me grow.
lists are not all-encompassing, but that doesn't make them useless. for example, if you know me as a person, i am not defined entirely by the things i love (God, writing, music, purple, etc.), but they do help to define me. if you want to understand me you need to know much more than that, but you must know those things. i think that it's probably similar with God: lists of His likes and dislikes may not show you all of Him, but they are things you need to know, and they can help you to understand other traits of His.
also, in Christian living, though a list of things to work on will not make us Christians, we need those characteristics to help us grow as Christians.
i hope that makes sense, or at least makes you think.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!